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I was rummaging around on your website, scrolling past the stock photos of you squinting into the distance and clicking on your comments about your upcoming return to the PGA Tour, the ones where you noted that you were “excited about competing” at the WGC-Bridgestone Invitational, “very excited about competing” in the Australian Open and — presumably — “very, very excited about” increasing the thesaurus budget for your PR Team.Anyway, buried beneath almost two years of virtual dust was an abandoned section called “Dear Tiger”. Remember when you did that? You’d take a few minutes from polishing your Wannamaker trophies or frantically deleting text messages to answer readers’ questions about everything from your running routine to your favorite Halloween candy. (You were pretty vague on that one but — based on your dating history — I would’ve guessed Airheads).
Last week you fell to No. 28 in the World Golf Rankings , dropping out of the top 20 for the first time since 1997. You’ve only played half a round of competitive golf since April and the word “competitive” might be an overstatement, since you withdrew from the Players Championship after carding a 42 on the front nine. A 42! There are Employee Picnics where that wouldn’t earn you a lopsided plastic trophy.Did you forget that we went through this a year ago? We watched as the exclamation points about your return were replaced with question marks after seeing you play. You missed the cut at Quail Hollow. You couldn’t break par at the AT&T. And when you limped into Akron, you tied for next-to-last place with a bloated +18 chalked beside your name. We’d say you’ve played lamely, but that would be unfair to Derek Lamely ... who actually won last year.
Counting Derek’s Puerto Rico Open, 84 PGA Tournaments and 64 different winners have come and gone since the last time you finished on top of the leaderboard, including a chunk of the alphabet that stretches from Stephen Ames to Gary Woodland. There were a pair of Rorys (McIlroy and Sabbatini) and three Johnsons (Dustin, Zach and Johnson Wagner) although yours is the only one anyone’s still talking about.
The idea that we should all be perched on the edge of our BarcaLoungers, holding our collective breath for your gloooooorious return has gotten ridiculous. What, exactly, is going to change on Tour? You’re not the Old Tiger coming back to claim his territory. You’re just Older Tiger, 35 with a rebuilt left knee that you probably couldn’t trade to Nancy Kerrigan.
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